As a Dominant, When was the last time you felt grumpy, sad without any reason, impulsive and dangerous?
For me, it is a state of mind that I go through once in a while. almost once each month. Just like it started last Sunday.
Strangely, I am at the peak of my creativity/destructibility these days. I experience the best of me and also the worst of me. Its beautiful yet painful. Its happiness in misery. Its the roller coaster ride where I do not know when the next dive/turn will come along and how deep/high that would be.
Its 4:30 in the morning, and I haven’t slept in the night. At midnight watched the movie “city of angels” and cried as it ended. Love and Sadness, simplest yet strongest of all emotions. I wonder how many people out there who has seen this movie and not be touched by the emotions of it. Anyway, tears made me feel a little better, but it was not the release. My emotional release is nowhere in sight.
I talked to *Ember* last night, and when I told him about how I wished to bring out the sadist in me, he could only say “I am very scared of you.”
Well, It funny and also scary to hear him say such things, he is the purest of all the SAMs (smart ass masochists) and I do not mind it. In fact, I love it in him. He has his sarcastic remarks and pretty tricks to provoke me, and I love the play nonetheless. But I am sure he also knows what he is dealing with when I am almost reckless with cruel and purely sadistic thoughts.
I definitely think of edgy stuff, something that makes me feel I want to create destruction. It turns me on, as well as calms me down in a way. I think of highly propped and active fantasies, and sometimes downright cruel.
Think of a place surrounded by fires of hell, where I’m wrapping a man in an aluminum foil after stabbing him deep with fork, sprinkling some lime juice, salt and pepper over his flesh, and then putting him on barbeque, and smugly watch him burn over the fire…. scary? yes it seems.
Strangely again, when I tell him this, it isn’t scary for him. Probably because its not familiar for him. Its just a fantasy. he amusingly listens to me and smirks over it saying, “you have a fork, foil and spices if not the fires of hell.”
But it does scare him when I tell him about the simply cruel plans of mine. The visions that I have, the day dreams of me in my simple black jeans and top, and him in his t-shirt and trousers. I have a heavy leather belt in my hand, which I am lashing out on him, mercilessly. If he fights back, I lash out harder, marking his skin with my sadism, making him bleed. At the end of it, when I am sitting proudly satisfied on my high chair, I see him in tears, curled up in the corner, with fresh welts on his skin and his clothes in shreds hanging on to his body.
When I finish telling him this fantasy, scared as he is, he replies that i wouldn’t hurt him. May be cause I don’t have any logical reason, and the fact that I love him it would make it harder for me to hurt him. He tells me that I might beat the hell out of him, but I couldn’t *hurt* him.
It takes a moment of silence from my side to make him realize that I can.
… may be I will. I will leave that to the time when we meet next and see how I feel then.
Destructiveness did not need to have a motive or even look for one; it just acquired one. Destructiveness, working on same levels as creativeness, seemingly highly motivated with no back lash, seemed non-desirous for a reason. just the way creativity does not need a reason to be itself, why would destructiveness be any different?? After all they seem to be coming from the same parent, running on the same fuel of inspiration, desperately seeking out for uniqueness in their own existence….