Edge of Insanity

I’m in one of those conditions. As Amity calls it “Domme’s fit” And as Akasha puts it in her words, ” when it hits, then i have to have it.”

I call it in my words “the Daura”, funnily the same words that has been used for lunatics when they feel the most insane. Its mostly in tuned with Moon’s Cycles. And Even before looking at the sky or any calender, I can say there was a full moon last night. It has to be. And it was. I figured it out at late night, at around 3 am, when the moon aligned with the window of my bedroom, and spread its shiny hands over my lonesome bed.

I knew it had hit me, hard. Harder than the last time. I remember it vividly, the last time. It was more than a year back When i felt like this. This is not a good feeling, but nevertheless very strong. I cant wear it off. Its like the beating of drums in the back of your mind, constantly getting louder in ur head. You don’t like it, but you just cant ignore it. And then there is a time, after a few eons, where you start moving with the rhythm of the drums. you feel one with it. you start enjoying it, still hating every moment of it. Complexity of it makes you enjoy it more, just because its not simple, not definable, it attracts you more. The unknown, the untouched, the almost-unwanted desire of yours become the most precious and important.

And then there is no solution. By experience i’ve come to know how futile it is to try a new sub, or someone who doesnt really udnerstand What makes me tick, and what turns me off.
Besides, What i want has to be his need too, because i don’t really want to suffer from guilt factor later on when i’m done with him.

And there are really very few people who are like that. And I’ve met only 3 of them. One of them was my sweet Angel, that i had a few years back. But now he is in different continent, and I can’t have him anymore. The another one is 500 kms from me, but we are going through our rough times, and After the break-up, He’s not the one I’m gonna want to have. It will complicate things more. And the third guy, well, I’ve never mer him for real, but so far as i know what kind of sub he is, i’m pretty sure he is my kind. But he is in his ‘vanilla-relationship’ with someone and Thus I can’t ruin it.

Gosh! Now that I know I’m not gonna have any of them soon, it worsens the situation. I may have to end up going for a new one, and buy my self a guilt trip.

Is this the worse?
not really, I’m wondering what might happen If i’ve to wait longer?

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