Every ticking second in the clock, in the room which was so silent as I was able to hear the small ticking quite clearly. It was like someone banging a hammer on my brain in similar fashion.
Yes, there was silence, a lot of it. But it was awkward for me as I was sitting in that chair, not for him I guess. he was quite content sitting on the floor in front me, even blindfolded, just holding my foot. I could see it, he felt quite right in his place. But it was an awkward moment for me, after he made that big statement that I never expected.
This was the same room, of the same resort, where last year I had Ember on my birthday. This was the same place. And it was like i suddenly had to power to go back in time, and re-live those moments. I was seeing Ember, there, the vision of his self, a glowing vision that suddenly faded when A has said those words.
He had said, “I love you, not just because you’re a dominant, but also because you’re you. Powerful, Emotional, and intelligent. I want to be with you, whatever way you wish. But what I really wish is.. Marry me.” It was just the way I pictured someone proposing me. The right amount of strength, and the right amount of want combined with the exact amount of happiness while saying it. He had said that to me before, but I never took him as seriously. but then and there, he was true, honest. And somehow he had read my mind, and set up the whole thing just the way i always wanted.
Or was it otherwise, was it me who made him say what he did? Was it not just the fear of loosing me that he said he wanted to marry me, in a way wanting to possess me?
Or was it otherwise?
I would not know, atleast not right there in that minute, cause I was way deep, drowning in the intensity of the moment to think logically.
It was peferct. But it was not ‘right’. I wasn’t feeling right with it. I wasn’t ready for it. I knew his intentions, he wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to forget about the heart break with Ember that i had recently. But it wasn’t right.
May be I needed to hit the rock bottom, to be able to let that heartbreak go from my mind. And even if that meant a lot of misery. I’d choose that instead.
And so i choosed, I told him what was in my mind, i told him what he feared to hear, but heard eventually. But it wasn’t really the rejection. He’s too sweet to do that to.
I gave him a hope instead. a real hope. But no commitments.
May be that was what I needed to do, for the sake of my misery.