This is going to be a long post, but well, it explains my views on safewords.
Its the part of discussion i am having here at fetlife group.. RIK [ Real Indian Kinksters ] http://fetlife.com/groups/1535/group_posts/158801
The question asked was as below..
Hello everybody, its been while I havent post any thread here or I think this is my first on some topic other than munches….:-p.In lifestyle there is a lot said about safe words during play time, I think if one explore the internet about it there are hundreds of forums and discussion are devoted to it..what is this safe word actually…Is it some sort of power in sub’s hand to control the Dom? or is it actually to save sub from useless harm on the body or mind….if that is case then how a Dom is actually controlling the scene….how Dom is in control there….I know its all about SSC but still then where is the submission…for example if Dom giving a floging and suddenly the safe word pop out from subbie mouth and it spoils the dynamics of scene there…..shouldnt it left to Dom that what is better for the sub and how much he/she can take it…ofcourse after a discussions etc….I always feel a subs limits should be pushed with time and as the realtionship grow…or is the safe word is there because a sub dont trust the Dom with whom he/she playing……if there is trust then what is the use of safe word?……its some how confusing…….but anyways confusion arise the question and here I am……..
my reply to that is as following…
hmm. this reminds me of an old time blog post i made about the safewords..Read it here
@spankulinka, totally agree with what you said :). it also reminded me of something my female submissive had written and expressed sometime back.. Let me repost it here.. here is what she has to say…
Inspired by the writing of ID on her blog, here are my thoughts over a safeword.
Having a safeword means I have to be alert and cautious about everything that’s happening, not that it isn’t a good thing, but at times it causes the submissive mind-frame diversion where I end up controlling the scene which defies the whole concept between us.
Safewording is done when I’m usually going through unbearable level of pain, hurt etc.. First, I don’t think I would be able to even think of a word that would save me from that while I’m in middle of it. Here the safeword wouldn’t be the safety as the dominant has already burdened me with the responsibility of the major area of D/s… i.e. Controlling the safety in a scene.
Safewords are unnecessary in situation where the D/s is based on trust and communication. Like the communication that we have between us. A Relation like ours wouldn’t actually lead to a situation where I would even have to use the safeword in first place. then why need it?
I agree to what she had said totally.
@piscean_girl12, in our vanilla lives we also go through emergency situations.. we don’t need safewords for those. it just a matter of communicating, with or without verbal confirmation that something is wrong. stop it right now. good communication with a alert dominant wouldn’t let it go by un-noticed.
@DD , i read what you’re saying, it has logic too, but i beg to differ. at the time of things really going out of a submissive’s limits of taking, i am wondering how much would [s]he be able to react to it with a particular word at the right time, before the real damage is done? when in distress, our subconscious reacts on its own, in a known verbal cues which would try to be as negative in implication as possible. like the words ‘no’ , ‘stop’ and eventually begging and pleading. a dominant shouldn’t be ignoring it in any case, believing that [s]he can continue because the safe word is not uttered.
@PG , a ‘safeword’ is a label. a particular word which is supposed to be said when a ‘sub’ wants the session to end, with or without any reason. by eliminating the safeword, that power is taken away from the sub.
but eliminating safeword doesn’t means the safety has been eliminated from the scene. a sub might not have a safeword, but a good dominant will always keep a mode of communication open for emergency situation. if a sub is not gagged she/he can just verbalize the problem and emergency rightaway. if a sub is gagged, she/he will be given a signal, like giving a extra nipple clamp to hold in hand, and in case of emergency he/she can drop it to communicate to dominant that something is wrong.
in this scenario, the ‘safeword’ is no longer a false security to a sub that she/he can stop the session whenever they want to.It will n longer be a particular word that a sub would have to memorize in order to say it. [ pray for the submissives who suffers from memory lapses, cause then god only can save them.. lol]
This way, safeword gives a way to a better arrangement. more communication between both parties, a sub communicating the discomfort in whatever way possible, to which a dominant can decide the further plan of action.
safeword is a term derived by and for people who are into sessions. like meeting a person probably one hour before indulging into a session with him/her. along with play negotiations like limits [hard and soft], the safewords are also negotiated, where dominant even though being very responsible, would not want to take the extra bit. To make the scene more safe, they would give the power to the sub in form of a safe word to go ahead and stop the session if they are not comfortable abt their safety with whats happening to them.
Contrary to that, The people who do not understand the idea of a safe word, which is only to be used in situations concerning safety of the play, use it even in case of mere discomfort, and denial of going ahead after a certain point in a play, where a submissive is afraid to go. that time the safeword gets used even though there isn’t a real need of.
as a dominant, i have come across quite a few different incidents and although contradictory to each other, they all made me realize how futile it is to have a ‘safeword’ label.
like in one case, a sub i was having a session with, had a fear of getting inside lifts. he would prefer staircases or any other option but a closed lift. On one occasion, i had asked him to get inside one, with me. after a bit of coercing i strictly made it clear that he was to hold my hand if required, but get inside, cause it was a silly fear which was better to have been cleared sooner than later. and after a bit of confused silence from his side, what do i get to hear… ‘the safe word’. it provoked me at the same time made me realize how difficult it was for him to do it. but was it ‘really’ worth saying the safeword out loud? rather than requesting to stop, communicating his fear with me, and logically discussing it, he wanted the situation to go away without any discussions over it. which in my terms, wasn’t something i would appreciate. anyway, the crux of the incident was, that as a dominant, i want my submissive to go beyond his own limits, the same way i would put an effort to go beyond mine. its a process that happens together, and rather than having a ‘safeword’ that instantly stops the progress of the scene or otherwise, i would love a honest communication and better discussion.
one other case went totally in other direction. another male switch i had a bit of a session with gave me a feeling that because he knew i was a ‘no-safeword’ dominant, he would not utter his extreme discomfort, even if it ends up hurting him badly eventually. And in the moment i realized it, i was on my toes the whole time. in fact, his approach to it almost made me not enjoy the whole thing. i had put him in tight hog-tie. and a bit of resistance from him, i opened him up totally asking him whether he was okay or not, cause i wasn’t able to gauge due to lack of his reactions, whether i was venturing into more hurting than i wanted him to. When i think about it, it was in a way, sweet and submissive of him to behave like that cause his interpretation of no-safeword policy of mine, meant that i was a kind of dominant who would hardly be bothered if i hurt him badly if at the end i get my satisfaction. which, again, is a wrong idea.
thats why, what i have ended up doing, is to tell my sub that i want him to react, exactly how he feels at the things i am doing to him. if it hurts badly, he should be honest and tell me, and if it doesn’t do anything, he has to express it likewise. the label of safeword is no longer required to be discussed, as having it and not having it both, in the scenarios discussed above, has restricted the play in certain ways.
i would agree, that as much as its good for a session with someone totally new, its as bad for a on-going D/s relationship.
in a power expression.. bottoms love their safeword. they live by it. they at times crave to reach the situation where they can say the safeword and stop it all because they do not want to go further.
but a submissive in a relationship can really do without one. :-)